Monday, February 7, 2011

1000 Posts.

Well, well, well. It's an interesting thing when a man reaches a certain age and a blog reaches a certain number. Admit it, you had your doubts. What do you have to say for yourself now? 1000 posts. 1000 posts, again. 1000 shit damning, motherfucking posts. This is a fucking epic occasion. Where are your doubts now my very dear frenids? This blog has eclipsed your life. Have you done 1000 of anything? I mean really, anything whatsoever? The creative effort required to craft this blog is hitherto unknown by the human race. After all of you die, this blog will live on. How does that make you feel? Does that make you feel insignificant? Does that make you angry? Does that make you wish you chose different avenues in your life? Even if you had done something different, you wouldn't have done this. You don't have the guts. You don't have the know it all and you don't have the wheretofor. Only one man, this man, has the raw skill. Envious? I know you fucking are, how could you not be envious?  Take a moment, think about your greatest accomplishments. Think about how they PALE in comparison to this blog. THEY DO. Do you think this is easy? Do you think waking up in solitude with no one but this blog for comfort is easy? Could you do it? You could, huh? No way. I'm this blog's only man. Do you think these comments write themselves? Cause you sure don't!!! How many of you ingrates have posted one single comment throughout this blog's unbelievable 1000 post history? Let me answer for you, ZERO. As in, worship it baby. You see, I know none of you have posted any comments because I've had to write each and every one of them myself! Angry Gothic Bodybuilder? That's me. Bilbo Bloggins? Me too! As hard as it is to believe Kanye West and Barack Obama have never posted on this blog...It was me pretending to be them so that I would look cool! Holy fuck, I had to post as a variety members because EVEN THEY wouldn't grace this blog with one solitary comment! I mean, Jeezus Christ people. Who the fuck do you think you are? I'll tell you who you are. You're nothing, you're less than zero. At least nothing doesn't irritate the fuck out of me like you do. If you really wanted to make something out of yourself you would have moved to Los Angeles like I did. Instead you waste away, lost in menial tasks unable to manifest even a single monument of quality equivalent to one of my blog posts. Even the hosts of heaven itself are unable to match this quality. God couldn't do it...that's why God made me. This is it. The culmination of all human now! I have been promised 72 virgin brides upon arrival in Heaven and I plan to collect because God knows I'm not getting any here! The only thing getting fucked around here is YOU by THIS BLOG, baby!!!!, you've come so far. From your early breast feeding this, your 1000th post. In preparing for this post I've re-read every single entry, and like the best books it improves with each reading. It doesn't even make sense how good this blog is. There must be some explanation? But I'll leave that to the annals of history to uncover. In the meantime, gentle readers, yes we can bask in the brilliant glow that this blog offers to our curse of modernity. So all you haters, step up and get served a steaming plate of 1000 posts with a side order of dick punch. This blog ain't goin nowhere...FAST. So step aside and make way for this big beautiful blog as it sashays it's way into your heart and dreams. Little Nemo rode his bed through a world of nightmares and fantastical dreams, when his eyes opened he gasped in astonishment "why does this octopus have 3 heads and how on Earth did this blog get to be so good?". John McCain wakes up screaming every night ", GET OUT OF MY DREAMS!". This is how it can be people. Airplanes crash, people burn their cash, dogs are eating their own tails. I invoked you into the triangle but you still won't listen! Why won't you listen to me? I think I've given you pretty much everything I've got. What more do you want? How 'bout 1000 posts in your honor? I did it all for you, baby. This testament of trash, this wall of filth, this empire of degradation and despair. Who could ask for anything more? Toyota? Fuck them. That's the most dogshit car company on the market. You'd have to be a total fucking loser to drive a Toyota. When I see people driving Toyotas it makes me really sad. Sometimes I wonder about people and I cry. You think tears don't touch these eyes? You think tears don't touch Eddie Entropy? I live my life in tears. If tears were snowflakes. And if tears were kittens then fuck you. I don't have to answer for anything. I'm above reproach. It's every American's right to own a blog and do with it what they see fit. There's no such thing as a bad blog. There's no such thing as a bad baby! No blog is born evil. Sure some blogs make bad choices now and again but who hasn't? has never made a bad choice. Nor has it ever made a bad post. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a person of low moral fiber and they can suck my dick, dick sucking fucker. As you can tell, I have a lot to offer but I have a hard time meeting people. While I love it here, I sometimes get stuck in my hotel room and end up bored, cold and wanting.  And I want more than I will ever have because I'm the kind of guy who can take and take and take and never gives back the slightest bit of anything.  You want a new God to worship?  My face is the appropriate Avatar of the Age Kali Yuga and you can be delivered simply by looking into my eyes and giving unto me the last little bit of hope in your heart, money in your bank, seed in your sack.  Don't doubt it baby, this is the Ed of tomorrow and yesterday and there can be no other.  You have tried praying and maybe that will work again but I KNOW that your prayers are nothing if they are not directed towards my DIVINE VISAGE.  Get down on your knees and give unto Ed your worship.  Get down on your knees and cry pure tears onto my corpse cock and breathe life into the final Wilted Waldo of dream drama.  This is the dream where you wake up in a house that you imagine was your own but doesn't look like you remember.  This is the dream where you fall down a flight of stairs and bleed.  This is the dream where you wake up in someone else's bed and there is blood and cum and severed toes and a bottle of baby aspirin on the sheets and the party has not even started.  Sometimes I am sad and this sort of sadness cannot be cured by just about anything but your worship.  So worship me, I am the only appropriate God for this Garbage Heep Earth. Don't you ever, ever, ever doubt your Eddie. Our holy Ed, who art on blogspot, hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, thy will be done and done real good in Chaska as it is on blogpsot, give us this day our daily post and forgive us our lack of comment, as we forgive for their trespass, and lead us not into livejournal, but deliver us from evil, for is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever amen.


1 comment:

Jordan :) said...

this is so god damn true hey, after you get a certain point your like "what the fuck am i still doing here" but it feels really good haha, i enjoy your writing muchly eddie :) you have a way with words Sir! :)